Tuesday, August 10, 2010

07.12.2010 SMAPxSMAP: 本当にあった恋の話 Part 3

Since I've pretty much been going at these stories non-stop in the past two or three days, I thought I'd give myself a break before I hunted down the others (I really hope these Chinese sites aren't destroying my computer... it might be time to start backing up my files), but alas, no. I even skipped the Bistro part of this because I had no idea who the guests were, and they didn't look overly interesting. Unlike previous episodes, when I basically had no idea who the guests were, this particular episode even featured guests from my Like and Dislike camps. 上地雄輔 was there, and who could pass that up? I can never figure out whether and how dumb he actually is. テリー伊藤 amuses me simply by existing. And of course fixture 松嶋尚美 was there as well. Unfortunately 小林麻耶 was also a guest. I suppose it's my fault for watching so many episodes in a row, but I've really had enough of these sisters for now. There is something about 小林麻央 especially that seems annoyingly fake. Another unfortunate presence was SHELLY, who doesn't seem to have much going for her except that she speaks English. Her language show bothers me anyway.

Anyway, 中居正広 (correctly) points out that there are in fact a surprising number of these stories out there, and 上地雄輔 even remarks that if his love episode could be acted out by such a famous group of people, the bad memory would in fact turn into a good one. Hee. マリエ (who still looks exactly like 吉川ひなの) also says that these stories give her hope, since none of her experiences have been quite as bad or as dramatic as these.

And now:
1. It's 伊東四郎 again! In a ridiculous start, a couple leaving a restaurant to go back to her place both lose their footing on their stairs and are transported, unconscious, to the hospital. What kind of stairs were these? At the hospital, the ever-scary father 伊東四郎 intimidates the bandaged 木村拓哉, warning him that he should stay away from his daughter if he doesn't mean to date her seriously. The boyfriend assures the father that he loves his daughter more than anything in the world, and such is this display of emotion that the father is quickly placated. In rushes a college friend of the girl, who first checks that the girl is okay before turning to the guy... and hugging him, because she's his wife. The girlfriend had known this all along, but his poor wife is totally in the dark, and 伊東四郎 levels a death gaze before going off on a major rant right after the wife leaves. He challenges the guy to own up to his earlier profession by declaring his love for the girlfriend in front of his wife, but the guy chickens out and vaguely does so to both girls, and the father storms out. And so this relationship has continued since, with the only difference being that the father knows. So.. umm... what is this, Post Secret? This show is not a vehicle for relieving guilt. This is not a horror story unless told from the point of view of the wife, who is still clueless. Disgusting, both the cheating and the submission of this story. Score: 1

2. Uh-oh, the boyfriend is 中居正広. This can only mean disaster. And in fact it is: he brings his longtime female friend to his dates. Unsurprisingly the girlfriend, who looks like 荒川静香 post-haircut, finds her incredibly intrusive, but when she mentions this on their first date the third wheel becomes extremely manipulative, saying things like 「私なんかいない方がいいですよね、、、この世から」. Creepy. Apparently the guy is her only friend in the world and he can't get rid of her. And so the three-person dates continue, and the third wheel in fact takes a dominant role, often pushing the actual girlfriend out of her rightful place. The couple plans an overseas trip together, and the third wheel starts to invite herself along. This time, though, the girlfriend finds the nerve to tell her that they would really rather go alone, as a couple. Well of course, the third wheel agrees, it's much too much to go along on their vacations too, so she'll wait at home. Alone. Without breathing. The girlfriend is totally at the end of her patience, so she very sweetly responds that they'll bring her an oxygen tank from Hawaii. The third wheel freaks out and starts crying on the boyfriend's shoulder, and suddenly the boyfriend turns to his girlfriend (who is, incidentally, always relegated to the back seat) and tell her to take it back. When she refuses, he says that their relationship is over and forces her from the car. Wow... but why did she break up with him before this? (By the way, in a most redeeming move, 松嶋尚美 says that the girl should have just been left to die. Hah.) Score: 6

3. Look, people, this is not a show for bragging, philosophical musings, or guilt relief. Remember that before you submit. So a engaged couple goes to a wedding planning company and is assigned to a very attractive and overeager representative, who goes out of her way to try to make her customers happy (even at the expense of the company). Something about her and her attitude must have caught the fiancé (草彅剛)'s attention, because one day he calls her and says that something has come up and they need to talk--outside of her office. She goes to meet him, concerned that something has gone wrong, but instead he asks her to date him. The wedding planner has no idea what is going on and keeps stammering questions, but the guy says that he thought it would be wrong to marry his fiancée when his heart was elsewhere, and that he's already broken off the engagement. The wedding planner is left sitting in shock, but in the next scene, she tells her boss that she is now engaged. At first he is happy for her, but when he realizes that the fiancé is a former client, he explodes, and she responds by saying that she'll end it. By it she means her job. And so they get married, and the guy has the nerve to ask: What would you do in this situation? Score: 8 (in terms of the shocking sleaze factor) 1 (in terms of the fiancé's point of view--what is he doing, bragging?)

4. This story goes back to what I think is this segment's fundamentals. On their way back from a date, the boyfriend (香取慎吾) offers to accompany the girlfriend home, but as they stop outside the subway entrance discussing this, his mother happens to walk by. She and the girlfriend meet for the first time and everything goes well, but the mother says that she is on the way home from a night out with friends and may have had a little too much to drink. The girlfriend suggests that the boyfriend accompany his mother home instead, and they part. (Aww, what a nice girlfriend.) This niceness continues on his birthday, when she makes reservations at one of the most exclusive restaurants in town and orders a surprise birthday cake for him. Before this birthday cake can be brought out, however, he receives a phone call from his mother: something has gone wrong with her computer. He decides to leave right then and there, even though he knows that there is a surprise waiting for him, and when the girlfriend suggests that a frozen computer can wait, he freaks out and says something about how something could go seriously wrong with this computer and his mother might collapse as a result. Just then the cake is brought out, and he blows out the candles before running out. Classy. A little while later, though, he takes her on an 温泉 trip, saying that he feels bad about what happened on his birthday and that he wants to make it up to her. Nice, right? It is--until his mother appears in their room, apologizing for being late. They proceed to go to the baths together and come back wearing matching pajamas, while the girlfriend is left to "unpack." She deals with all of this, but the final straw is when the mother apparently (slightly) burns her finger on one of the hot pots during dinner. Instead of dealing with it like the adult that she should be, she lets her son SUCK ON HER FINGER to cool it off. Needless to say, things between the guy and the girlfriend end right there. Now let's see... a mother complex isn't unheard of, but this gets bonus points for being extra creepy. Score: 7...8...7...

5. At the risk of ruining things I am just going to say that this is unbelievably awful. A woman married her husband (the ever-evil 稲垣吾郎) for both love and money five years ago, but since then things have dramatically cooled. He continues to provide for her materially, but has close to no emotional sensitivity and is shown early on to basically be a passive-aggressive jerk. He reminds her that he is the one who provides for all that she sees around her, but comments that it appears that her feelings for him have changed. She lies and denies it. At her gym sometime later, a (fairly) attractive male comes in and announces that he is now her trainer. He is very good at what he does, and clearly the attention he gives her is something that she has been craving for a long time, even though nothing happens. One day her husband sneaks into the gym and watches her with the trainer before revealing his presence, yelling some needlessly angry words at the trainer, and storming off. He says that it's been a long time since he's seen "it": his wife's happy face. The wife is immediately worried that he misinterpreted her interactions with her trainer, but when she cautiously voices these concerns the trainer does not respond, instead asking her out for drinks. She agrees, but when she comes home later that night her husband is already there waiting for her, and passive-aggressively accuses her of doing something behind his back before saying it was all a joke. Right. She goes out with her trainer at least once more, during which he starts to really probe into her personal life. He asks whether she loves her husband, or if she is in love with anyone at all; he wants to know why she married her husband, because she is far too pretty and nice to be wasted in a loveless, pointless marriage. All of this questioning and flattery is clearly making her uncomfortable, and she stammers out some noncommittal responses. He places his hand over hers, and before anyone knows it he leans in for a kiss. At this moment her husband reveals himself from the shadows of the bar, holding up a tape (video?) recorder. Turns out that he hired this trainer to test his wife's feelings for him, and to see whether she would cheat. And she would, he triumphantly claims! Plus now that he has this evidence, he will avoid having to pay alimony when they divorce. Oh my GOD. How evil can someone be? Never mind her love for him, what about his for her? Also, it's clear that the trainer came onto her, not the other way around, and that she wasn't even that willing when he seriously started making moves. And how evil is the trainer? Wouldn't he feel bad for so cruelly misleading a woman he barely knows? Ugh ugh oh my GOD. Score: 10+

Okay I don't know where stories 6-8 are, so here it is for now.

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